As September comes to a close, that means Suicide Prevention Awareness month does as well. Suicide prevention is much more than an awareness day, week, and month that comes once a year. Suicide is a reality. I’m determined to dedicate my life to suicide prevention. If you or someone you know ever needs a speaker for suicide prevention, please contact me. Here’s my story about how suicide completely changed my reality three years ago.
Watch here or keep scrolling and read below.
In August of 2014, suicide changed my life forever. In that year 42,773 Americans committed suicide. Out of those, 9,660 were females, and one of them, was one of my best friends. Danielle Lynn was attending her second year at IU, when she committed suicide at 19.
Her last summer with us, I spent almost everyday with her. She was always smiling, or giggling…I can still hear her carefree laugh in my head when the summer breeze is just right. I could always count on her to stay up to the early morning with me, we would have deep talks under the moon or over a sweet midnight snack. We talked about everything.
Once I had found out Danielle committed suicide, I replayed these conversations in my mind. I tormented myself for months after remembering a conversation we had in July. I was talking about my upcoming responsibilities, and she opened up to me about how she was nervous. She told me she didn’t want to grow up, that it sounded stressful and difficult. At the time, I thought she was just worried about school, but I couldn’t help thinking, was that a sign? Could I have said something, in that moment, that could have been comforting enough to make her stay?
From there, the questions became never ending. Why did she do it? Why didn’t she call me? Could she have really felt so alone? They kept me awake at night, tossing and turning. When I slept, she was in my dreams, and waking up every morning had its own silent torment once reality hit again. The shock of the matter didn’t wear off for a long time. It took so much out of me just to look at a picture of her. She was gone so quickly, without a goodbye or really any kind of explanation. One second she was here, inviting me to stay with her in Bloomington, and before I knew it, her existence became a memory.
You see Danielle was the kind of person who brightened your day. Others felt it too. Maybe it was her shy smile that did it; or the way she lit up the instant she spotted an animal. She had such a loving soul, but she hid so much pain. All of her anxiety and depression, she suppressed it so well. She was sad but she genuinely made others feel happiness. She made you feel important, and loved.
To grieve as a suicide survivor is to accept the fact that some days will just be better than others. To accept that spending time with my best friend is sitting at her grave. To accept that nothing will ever change, no matter how many different scenarios I play in my head. She’s just gone. And I have all this love and hurt and emotions that will be an endless roller coaster for the rest of my days. Something so small will remind me of her, and I smile to myself as my heart gets slightly heavier in my chest.
Suicide survivors have our own sense of community. I had never officially met any of Danielle’s family before she passed, but now, I truly feel bonded with her mom and aunt. We get together for her birthday, and to cry together on the day she left us. We meet for lunch and visit Danielle together, or run into each other randomly while going to visit. It’s comforting to know I don’t grieve alone, but it breaks my heart knowing people I love feel this pain too.
That is why I’m here today. To prevent others from leaving their loved ones, to help them see that there IS a light. Even in you darkest hour, it’s there. There are so many people who love you, so many people who care. All of these sentences I’ve played in my mind to Danielle, but she will never hear me. I’ll never be able to change it.
I once read about a man who was planning on committing suicide when he got home, but someone smiled and waved at him on the way, and he changed his mind. Something SO small can help someone. We never know the struggles others are facing, how a simple wave might save a LIFE.
Eighty percent of suicides are decided in less than twenty minutes, and then they’re gone. We never know how something so small could stop someone from making such a tragic, permanent decision.
Some days it feels as if I was just spending time with Danielle yesterday. Others, it feels like a whole lifetime ago. It’s hard not to picture her with us today. She would be 21 now, possibly pursuing any degree she imagined at her last year at IU. We always said she could have been anything from a doctor to a model. She was the most naturally smart and naturally beautiful person I have ever known.
It’s our job to work together to end the stigma on mental illness. We all fight our own battles, nobody deserves to feel alone because of an internal struggle. One in every 4 Americans over the age of 18 suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder. That’s over 50 MILLION people who need us. If we make ourselves more aware of these loved ones, let them know its okay to ask for help, maybe we can change the world.
I’m a different person than who I was in August 2014. I fought my own depression after Danielle passed. It’s hard to admit, but I too suffered from suicidal thoughts. I’m pretty sure most of my friends did. But we hold on for Danielle, and for future survivors. With the hope that maybe our story can help others realize, there is a brighter tomorrow. There IS still hope. Please, never give up. You mean the absolute world to someone, whether you know it or not.
Life just isn’t the same without her here. You are my sunshine Danielle Nicole Lynn, I’ll miss you for the rest of my life.
I’ll end with a quote by Arthur C. Clarke, an extremely relatable quote for me:
“The person who completes suicide, dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand….WHY?”
You can call the suicide prevention hotline anytime at 1-800-273-8255
If you would like to donate to my 2017 Out of the Darkness Walk, click here
Feel free to join us on October 22nd at IU Memorial Stadium for the walk.
Below are some of my favorite pictures from last year’s walk.
As Told By (A) Ginger 